Death

I have read some comments on the last post from the L.O.  She does not believe me.   Hmmm, now what do you do when the one person you need is not there?  Miss Ame told me not to expect anything from her.  OK that is fair.  So if the one person in the world I need is not there and will not get help to get through this what do I do?  I am a man and I have to go it alone right?  RIGHT?  THAT IS WHAT GOT ME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I was Mr. SELF SUFFICIENT and I could handle it all on my own!!!!!!  I didn’t need any one else to help or tell me what to do or turn anything over to God or ANYTHING OR ANYBODY ELSE!!!  RIGHT?  Yeah right. 

Now some one tell me what I should do?  To whom should I talk?  The AA guys?  They are trying but have no idea of what this pain is.  The SAA man who has offered to help?  I have just now made contact and we do not know each other.  He has only offered temp help as it is through email.  A counselor?  The ones I received help from before are out of reach right now.  God?  Hmmm, maybe.  Just maybe.  To whom do I tell of my feelings of death?  I taste death all of the time.  I can feel it all around me.  I have a rotten taste in my mouth all the time no matter how often I brush my teeth.  It tastes metallic almost like blood, blood that fills the senses and makes the body weak.  Food tastes like nothing and I have no appetite.  I drink water by the liter to get the taste out of my mouth but it still remains.  Death is stalking me and I am about to give up and let him catch me.

I said no matter what this costs I want to be free.  I think the price is now too high.

I have in my immaturity been suicidal.  That was not really an option that I seriously considered I was just young and immature.  Now, now the pain is so great that this is starting to look like an option.  Why not take it?  There are plenty of ways to do it here and I could make it look like an accident.  There are M1 Tanks rolling around in the dark that I could just ride my bike out in front of and that would be that.  I could go and hide at the range and when they started shooting I could stand up.  Probably be painless that way too.  Marines are very good shots.  Big trucks here too with the IED rollers on the front that look pretty lethal. 

I did not know just how much pain there was in this sin until I came out of it and told all.  Now the L.O. is really hurting.  I mean REALLY hurting.  It is so bad for her that she is saying things that are just not even her.  I cannot describe to you what she is right now compared to what she was before my confession.  The pain has been caused by me and me alone.  Oh I know the devil gets a little credit but the responsibility is mine.  From an article my L.O. sent me titled “Dealing with the effects of a spouse’s sexual addiction.”   I think it is significant that Paul specifically mentioned Satan’s role in tempting people through their lack of sexual self control.  This indicates that there is often more involved than simply a person’s desire for sex.  There is an intelligent, evil being seeking to entice people to sin.   

An intelligent, evil being seeking to entice people to sin.  So if I give into him and take my life what does that say about who gets the victory?  The father of all lies, Satan or the devil.  Who will loose ultimately?  I will be roasting in hell for my sin of suicide.  God will have no choice; you cannot repent of the sin of self murder.  So there is pain.  The pain is very bad for me.  But is it so bad that I cannot wait for the judgment of God?  He is going to judge me.  His wrath is going to fall. God is unchanging and even though, Romans 8:1 says:” There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”  I am under a death sentence.  I did not realize the extent of what I had really done until I told it all. So I am living life and trying to get through all of this but I am failing.  I am not sinning but I am failing to live to the fullest.  Pain, pain is giving me a lesson in humility that I have not had in a very long time.  I think I will end this now and try to get some work done.

A Real (Failure of a) Man