Today is my birthday. I do not feel like celebrating. I do not feel like doing anything at all but laying down and just staring at the ceiling. But there is work to be done and things to do so I am up and about the business of doing right now. You may think that I should be happy today because I am working on and asking for help in getting cleaned up. You may think that there is nothing to be worried about with God on your side. After all the Bible says in Romans, “If God is for us who then can be against us?” Indeed if God IS for me who then can be against me?
I was just thinking about my current situation and how much damage I have done and caused and how I am so terribly sick and how I am in trouble and then I heard this; “God will make a way where there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me. He will be my guide, hold me closely to His side…” I said almost out loud, STOP!!! Stop giving me false hope! I did for a minute feel just a little better when I was hearing that song in my head. I am not hopeful at all.
I do not deserve any hope. I do not deserve any Grace. I do not deserve any forgiveness. I do not deserve to live. I hope that God will take my life very soon. I know that the blood of Jesus has washed away my sins and I will be with him when the time of my death comes. What will become of my L.O. then? Even if she leaves me and we end our lives together in divorce I will still help her. I will pay what ever she wants. I will continue to do that things that I have done in the past just to make her comfortable. If I die today or tomorrow or whenever God decides that it is time to go she will be a rich widow. Life insurance money is tax free. So she will have money but no husband.
She really has not had a real husband in a long time. She has had a liar, a deceiver, a monster, living with her. Loving her as best as it was able but she has not had a HUSBAND. I am a vile, evil, sinful, wanton, lustful, and completely addicted sex fiend. How can she ever love me again knowing what she now knows about me? What will she do with her money? She will invest wisely, pay off every thing, bury me, and leave me to the worms. Money is a cold comfort in the bed with no one, not even a monster, to keep you warm. She is so badly wounded that I can not see her ever coming out of this with us still married. But there is one small hope.
She wrote me the other day not to hurt myself because she still loves and cares for me. Yeah, like an alley cat that was hit by a car. She says that it will be more difficult for her if I hurt myself. Well I have done enough to make her life difficult so I guess I will try to keep breathing. I am not sure how I will do that but I will try. I will ask God to take my life every day but I will also submit to His will if He chooses to have me keep living. Why He would have some thing as vile as I am keep living is beyond me but that is probably why I’m not God.
I really hate myself right now. I really really despise me at this time. Why could I have not just kept my BIG FAT MOUTH SHUT? If I had none of this would have happened. I would not be in any trouble at work and I would still not realize that I am an addict. I would be happily surfing the net for porn and making myself sicker and sicker. Now I am in intensive care with no nurse. I wrote to the man who has agreed to be my temporary sponsor at SAA but it is going to take some time to get really going with that. But make no mistake, I have hit bottom and every time I start to think that I have made any progress I am slapped back down and told that I am not even supposed to get off of the floor yet. There are still more lashes to come my way.
Lashes, lashes, flash goes the whip. Smack on the flesh! Strip the flesh from the criminal. Give him every single blow he deserves. Do not let him off the floor until it is finished. I thought it was finished when I came completely clean. I was wrong I have many more blows to receive. Uncomfortable questions from the L.O. will deliver some of them. Those I can handle because she is showing mercy by being completely honest in her questions. Will I continue to work towards the sobriety that I need to be at to be considered in recovery? My searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. All of this will be my bruising or lashing and it will all come. It will not stop until God says, “Enough, He has been punished enough.” I hope that He will have tears in His eyes for compassion for me. But I do not deserve any.
Does this sound like I am whining? I really do not care. I am in pain, self inflicted to be sure but pain none the less. I hope that death comes soon. I know that is selfish also. It is also cowardly because to stand and be held accountable is what I need and will truly be courageous. That is what I need to do. So bring on the lash and make the whip crack. I have a long pain-filled road to walk down. I guess it starts now.
A Real (foolish) Man
