Just what kind of sickness do I have? When did it start? What did I do to perpetuate it? What could I have done or not done to prevent the progressive march towards the ultimate goal of the enemy which is my eternal damnation? What is it about the different natures of man that cause us to abuse or allow the instincts to take control? How can or could I even have I made this thing go away? Is there anything that I could have done to not commit the vile acts that have made me repulsive in the eyes of the one person on this earth who I want to have look at me with any thing but revulsion?
There are too many questions above to get through them all in this post but I am going to try to put into words what I feel is the correct answers to some of them. I have been reading the 12 steps book and I am kind of stuck at number four. Not in practice but in understanding. Step four asks you to “Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” I think that I am doing that every day lately even going so far as to put it here in this BLOG. But I want to be thorough and I really want to understand what it is that I am doing and how I can make this step part of my life in my every day actions, speech, and feelings.
I have done step five all ready. I ”Admit to God, to myself, and to another Human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” I have told the wife every thing. I took this step a little out of order but it made me see things that I had not seen before in a light that gave me the pain I needed to get out of the miry clay. I am repulsed and nauseated by some of the conversations that I hear around me at this time. I used to join in with them but now I see that my joining in was a result of my addictive behavior and not as a part of the “being one of the guys” process in a new place.
I hear the people talk about how, “there ain’t nothing wrong with looking as long as you don’t touch.” But that is what got me here. Those who are ignorant are talking out the side of their ear. They do not see that looking and lusting creates an atmosphere of such vileness that things such as sexual harassment and assault, even verbal assault, are given license.
We create the atmosphere the allows sexual harassment by having men and women working in the same areas. Is this a fact of life now a days? Yes unfortunately it is. There are just some who are not able to handle it without help. Without training themselves to bounce their eyes off of the sexual parts of the women they are working with. Without training them selves to walk away from certain conversations. Even the women today speak as though there are no morals and that they have none. Then they have the temerity wonder what it is that has produced men such as me. They actually have the unmitigated gall to condemn me when they and society in general have produced men such as me.
If we cannot even raise our children without the corruption of TV in our homes how can any one blame a man or woman for becoming a sex addict? I am getting a little off of my subject. Let’s try to answer the first question.
What kind of sickness do I have? I have the sickness that makes the sex drive the number one instinct in my life. It is an obsession that cannot be controlled no matter how much I make an effort. No matter how much will power I exert. This over arching NEED gives me a physical “hit” in the brain that is wanted over and over. It is not just a psychological need but a physiological need. I have been doing the research and I can say that I am at fault for not getting help earlier but I am not at fault for what happened before I became what I am.
That starts to answer the second question: When did it start? I would have to say that this addiction was planted in me as a very young boy of about 9 or 10. That is child abuse in its worst form because it is hidden and insidious. Beating a child is bad enough but to lead a child astray as Jesus put it, “It would be better if that person had never been born.” So I was led into this by Playboy magazines in our house. I was hooked from the moment I saw those beautiful naked women. They were young and in perfect condition and they were perfect. I did not understand the concept of air brushing or photo altering back then and even if I did, would it really have mattered?
Those became my fantasy girls. From that moment on sex was always on my mind. My hormones were triggered by what I saw in those women. I have been told that boys and girls should not really start to mature into puberty until they are 13 to 14 years of age. If you show them nude pictures, for boys, of women, or educate them, boys and girls, in the areas of sex before that they are started on the path to physiological maturity too early. I was started at 9. NINE!! I never looked at girls the same again.
Are not the ultimate women in society today as far as looks Playmates? The problem is that no woman is that good looking. No woman could live up to that standard. No woman can ever stay nineteen years old forever. Because they are artificial not real. But that does not stop men from leaving their wives for the fantasy of a younger more beautiful woman. That does not stop men from going after the fantasy of non-stop sex with a sexy little model. The problem is that we have it backwards. A man reaches sexual peak at 18 and a woman reaches it at 40.
I will continue this later. It is becoming extreamly long. Please continue to pray for A Real Man’s wife and for A Real Man.
A Real (remorseful but trying) Man
