I am beginning to grasp step four at last. Now listen carefully, I said I am beginning to grasp step four. Here is what began my understanding; from the “Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions” little blue book that I have from he AA guys:
“We thought ‘conditions’ drove us to drink (lust), and when we tried to correct these conditions and found that we couldn’t to our entire satisfaction, our drinking (lust) went out of hand and we became alcoholics (sex addicts). It never occurred to us that we needed to change ourselves to meet conditions, whatever they were.”
“But in A.A. (S.A.A.) we slowly learned that something had to be done about out vengeful resentments, self-pity, and unwarranted pride. We had to see that every time we played the big shot, we turned people against us. We had to see that when we harbored grudges and planned revenge for such defeats, we were really beating ourselves with the club of anger we had intended to use on others. We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our first need was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of who or what we thought caused it.”
Then yesterday I read the following in chapter four and it really hit me like a bolt of lightening: “Now willing to commence the search for his own defects, he will ask, “Just how do I go about this? How do I take inventory of myself?”
“Since Step Four is but the beginning of a lifetime practice, it can be suggested that he first have a look at those personal flaws which are acutely troublesome and fairly obvious. Using his best judgement of what has been right and what has been wrong, he might make a rough survey of his conduct with respect to his primary instincts for sex, security, and society. Looking back over his life, he can readily get under way by consideration of questions such as these:”
“When, and how, and in just what instances did my selfish pursuit of the sex relation damage other people and me? What people were hurt, and how badly? Did I jeopardize my standing in the community? Just how did I react to these situations at that time? Did I burn with a guilt that nothing could extinguish? or did I insist that I was the pursued and not the pursuer, and thus absolve myself? How have I reacted to frustration in sexual matters? When denied, did I become vengeful or depressed? Did I take it out on other people? If there was a rejection or coldness at home, did I use this as a reason for promiscuity?”
WOW!! Talk about eye opening. I had to read Step Four about four times before I discovered this. It is not easy taking a look at yourself in this way but I have to do it or I will be lost forever. I am going to finish answering some of the questions that I asked in the last post tomorrow. I really think I am on the right road. Please don’t get me wrong, I have not arrived any where and I am still going to need lots of help and prayer I just think that I have found the road to walk down that will take me in the right direction. Please keep praying.
A Real (pain-filled) Man
