Jerry my temp sponsor has given me an exercise to do to try and put me on the right track to making an honest fearless moral inventory. I am working on it and there is a lot of really bad stuff inside that I am uncovering. I hope that when some of the surface stuff is scraped off that the bleeding will release even more of this terrible black tar that coats my spirit.
It is not a process of just getting a list of your faults down on paper either. There is a process of getting the exact people who were hurt by me and the way in which I hurt them out in the open and examining how and why. Also it is examining how and in what ways I could have effected a different out come and not hurt them. All of this is going to take some time. I have begun and now the pain of the past is coming out and being brought into the light.
Surprisingly this is not causing me pain but is freeing me of some things I kept bottled up that I did not know were there. Well that is not exactly right, I knew that they were there but not exactly how to articulate them. Now I do know how to articulate them and I am putting it down on “paper” on my computer. This is a very good thing for me. Eventually I think it will empty me of the blackness inside that has been holding me prisoner.
Get the insidious worm of blackness out of the dark and in the light. Keep the worm in the light and it will eventually dry up and die. But it is a constant struggle to keep the darkness from rising up and taking control of me. It requires constant attention and thought discipline. It also requires that I make myself transparent to those to whom I am accountable my sponsor and my wife. So right now I am going to close this up and go back to the exercise that I was doing to make this process continue.
I am not even close to being well yet but the road I am on will take me there. Please pray. Thank you.
A Real (struggling) Man
