I feel very empty today. I am not thinking very clearly right now. I have been doing the step 4 thing and I sent it to my sponsor. I am waiting on his reply at this time. I am not sure what that will be. I believe that I am on the right track to recovery but there are some things that are making me want to just throw up. I cannot discuss all of them at this time nor will I be able to any time soon. I will just have to go on and do the best that I can with the hand I have been dealt. It is a pretty bad hand.
We addicts seem to have mood swings the likes of which seem to us feel like we are on a ship tossed at sea. Back and forth go the highs and lows. March along and get the stick, beat the prisoner make him bleed. What makes me think that I deserve any thing better? Mostly it is the fact that I am not really a prisoner. I as every one else deserve only the wrath of God for my sins but He does not do that. He has preserved us, protected us, nurtured us, and bled for us. Why? Because He loves us.
What father or mother does not love their children? Who can fathom the love of a mother for her baby? Who knows the depths of the deepest part of the universe? Who can know why God does not allow His great anger and power to over power mankind? What do we as humans have to offer the great and terrible God? What does a mother expect from a baby? Only that the mother be allowed to take care of the little one.
In our lives we have much to do. We have jobs where we work as hard as we need to in order to accomplish the missions of the day and make enough money to feed ourselves and those within our family. We believe that we are doing all of this on our own. We think that we need to work in order to live. “Oh,” we say, “I must have a job. Without it I will cease to be able to buy the things that make me happy.” If things are what make you happy you are living on the wrong planet. Material possessions are not what make us happy. They actually make our lives more of a burden both to us and those around us.
So what is important? What is the most important thing? To tell the truth no matter what? To give until it feels good? To be politically correct? To make amends when you have hurt some one? To live a pain free life? To never have any worries or troubles or burdens? What is that which means more than anything else? Is there one thing on this earth more important than anything else?
Yes there is. Jesus gave two commands and two only: “Love the Lord you God with all your heart, with all you soul, and with all your mind and love your neighbor as yourself.” In John Ch. 15 He told the disciples to love one another as He had loved them so men would know that the apostles were His disciples. Same thing as love your neighbor as your self. How do you treat some one who has wounded you? I have in the past shunned such people.
Mostly they did not wound me as much as I wounded myself. But I blamed them. How many lies did I tell others and myself in this time of great deception? I knew the truth and I did not practice it. Why did I not practice the truth? Because I wanted what I wanted and that was all I wanted. I was the ultimate selfish person and I did every thing to give myself pleasure and ease as much as possible. No more lies, n o m o r e l i e s. If I do not stay on the truth path I will be doomed.
I have chased the tempter away many times in the past several days. I have not pleasured myself since October 8th. That is not as long as I have gone in the past but it is getting there. Now I have to find a way to get step six worked into my life. I am working step four and I have done step five for the most part. Now step six. Step six is a really hard step. Before I take that one I need to take another hard look at step four. Pray for me, step four is a life long process. All of the steps up to this one are more about admission of inabilities and reliance on some one or some thing other than our selves for breaking. Step four is some thing that you have to work at and work at.
Pray for me. Thank you.
A Real (repentant) Man
